Today, I really want to talk about my Savior. He has blessed my life in so many ways. I am absolutely terrified to post this, but it is something dear to my heart.
A little over two years ago, I was depressed. Really depressed. So depressed that I ended up in the psychiatric unit of the hospital, on suicide watch. It was a really hard time for me, to make an understatement. I believed in my Savior, and I felt so ashamed for even struggling with depression. I was convinced that God was disgusted with my weakness, and that all He saw was a wretch devoid of faith. I was also worried that everyone else was judging me harshly as well. Surely a better disciple of Christ would feel happy every moment of every day, and never struggle with mental illness.
But my Savior helped me during that dark time. I didn’t feel a sense of chastisement. Instead, I felt His grace, and His loving peace surround me. I knew that He understood my pain. And I felt His love through the many people who acted as His disciples. Friends from my ward, or local church group, came to visit me. Among those, my dearest, sweetest, best friend -my husband -was absolutely devoted in calling me and visiting me. He was such a strength to me at that time! Also, the people working around me were kind and understanding. Instead of being surrounded by harsh words, I found myself in a safe place.
One of the days that I was in the depression center, I felt really low. But as I sat in my chair drawing in a picture of a rainbow and a lighthouse, I gained a much greater understanding of my Savior. You see, my Savior is the light and life of the world. Even when I feel lost in the darkness of this world, His light can reach me. His light can save me. And just as just as He guided Noah through tumultuous waters, so He will guide me. I felt His love surround me, and I felt my heart filled with the same peace that stilled the waters of Galilea. I knew in that moment, that my Savior was real, that He understood me, and that He would not let me drown.
As I pondered more that week, I reminded of just who my Savior was. He was not a man who lived a carefree life, filled with smiles and fun. According to Isaiah, “He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief.” Christ suffered all of the pains, and sins and grief of the entire human race -including mine! (Isaiah 53:3) He understood my pain, my depression. He did not leave me alone to suffer either. He held my hand, and brought me to safer ground.
As Christians, we are not just called to smile with those who smile. We are also called to “mourn with those who mourn.” And for those wonderful, blessed souls who did not give up on me –that helped to lift me up –thank you. Through your actions, you were the hands of Christ, strengthening me, and healing me. (Especially you, Ben).
For some, conversion happens in an instant. For others, it takes a lifetime. I fall in the latter category. But I would not give up my small moments with my Savior for anything. I do know that my Savior lives, and I know that He will help me through any trial (whether big or small). And I know that He will help you.
If you have a moment –or many, many moments –where you feel lost, depressed, or hopeless, please know there is hope. I have experienced Christ’s everlasting love for myself. I know that if He loved me enough to help me, that He will surely do the same for you.
This beautiful video has touched me so much, and I hope that it will touch your heart as well. It is about the everlasting love of Jesus Christ. #BecauseOfHim